Because it needs to be said.

Yes, I know we've technically hashed it all out before, but I needed a release about this tonight and I decided this is it. Part of that decision was based on the fact that it will be months, if ever, before you see this. That is both upsetting and freeing.

You started this forum for us to work on communicating in ways neither of us are comfortable with in person. You wanted into my head, it seemed, to look around at my dreams, thoughts, and fantasies. Then you just quit. No warning, no extra tries, no second chances. Granted, it's not as easy for you to get to the intarwebs as it is for me. Granted, with the birth of Goober a lot of little things went down the tubes. I've tried to remind myself time and again that this is bound to happen occasionally, because time does that to couples. I want to be reasonable and understanding and loving, and all that mushy shit. I can describe it, elucidate it, and pretend at it until the cows come home, but it's not my strong point in real life. Sure I am a nice enough person, I'm just not great at emotional connections.

I've gone out of my way more time than I can remember to connect to your life; we've talked about this. RP Closer was an attempt made, by you, to connect to MY life. I can honestly say the only other thing you've tried to keep up as long as this was crocheting. I feel like it doesn't matter in the long run, because you will give up the moment I'm not responding the way you expected me to. What about those expectations? Where did you get them? Are they current? Have they taken into account both of our respective mental states? How about all that frustration and fear?

When it comes to the end of the day you want to feel like you are wanted at home; I just want to feel like I am wanted at all. I don't have any use in your life except as a convenience item that provides sex, emergency fixes, and the occasional advice on things. You have given me a life. Without you, nothing would matter. I write because I need to talk to someone about all the things that I can't talk to you about. Sometimes I feel like you don't want to hear it, but other times I am truly afraid I will hurt/frighten/upset/depress/etcetera you if I so much as bring it up. I'm high maintenance, that won't change any time soon. You haven't shown the best in dealing with that, but I know you want to try. That means sustaining the belief IN ME that I am loved, wanted, desired, and appreciated.

This has nothing to do with sex, though feeling sexy is something I haven't done in a long time. This is about feeling like my emotions and desires and fears are valid; not the rule, but allowed because they are part of me. I hate being the rule.

You are getting older, you are still fat, and you still don't seem to really want to deal with anything more than what the world has already delivered. Old doesn't bother me, but fat does. Yes, I still think you're handsome, but I would like to look at you and think about something other than the best way to get around the belly long enough to be viewed during a blowjob. The last seems to be the crux of it all. Without the desire to motivate oneself, there will be no motivation.

I am getting older, I am still fat, and I am still afraid of the world telling me how stupid/wrong/pathetic I am. You have been the only thing that made me feel like I could tell the world to fuck off, because someone listened to me long enough to see what I meant to say. Old bothers me a lot, because I'm terrified of the loss of mobility and faculties. I don't like being fat, but every time I think I can do something about it I get injured or just plain depressed at the lack of results. The last seems, again, to be the crux of it all. Without someone to remind me that there is something more than the world outside my door, that the world inside is more important, warmer and more loving, worth more than any thousand compliments from people who barely know me, I really feel like I should just maintain enough effort to survive and say fuck the rest.

I want this to work. I have said it again and again and again, but I don't know if you believe me. I want someone who will tell me no and not be upset/afraid if I don't like it. I want something who knows my habits and notices when something is wrong/different. I want someone who isn't as afraid of things as I am, or at least not the same things. I know I can't have these things and maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble connecting to you. You want to be those things, but you don't seem comfortable with the idea of being them.

I hate my life; I'm frustrated with being a parent; I've considering running; I've considered suicide as recently as the last few months; and I don't know where to turn. I want you to be my hot, sexy, smart, brave, wonderful, supportive, amazing husband. I want to be all of that for you, as well. You are an amazing father; NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT FROM YOU. Please don't let me be what makes you forget that. I feel like we are going to be right where we are, right now, for the rest of our lives and I can't take that. I need room to move around, grow, and feel like my life has a point beyond being nanny/maid/chef for Wesley.